I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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