I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
