I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Randomize
