Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Never joke about your clitoris.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
