Please, let me fuck your mom
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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