im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Randomize
