So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
