woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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