i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
