ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
