I need to stop coming to work sober
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
