chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
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