Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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