The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
