Just fell off a train. Bad.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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