Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Randomize
