She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
