OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
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That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
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She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
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