I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
