If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
She has the best kind of daddy issues
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
