We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
That adds atleast one bjs worth of awkward sexual tension between us.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Randomize
