Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
