I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
