If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
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