Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
