I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
