I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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