i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
