I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
