at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
