im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
handjob tips. give me some.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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