Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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