Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
