dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
