He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You made out with two different species that night
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
