checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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