ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
