I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
