Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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