hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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