the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
