This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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