Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
