So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
