and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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