Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
you had me at cake vodka
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
The Olympian is in my bed
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
