is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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