I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
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put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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