I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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