Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
