wrigley field is MILF paradise
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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