The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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