Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
