I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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