Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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