Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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