One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
