Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
