That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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